The man who didn't even know he 'saved' the world!

Jesus H. Christ is finally back!

... and this time we know what the 'h' stands for!

You've been talking to him for YEARS, drinking his blood and eating his flesh on special occasions. Billions of lives have been slain in his name, and billions claim he's climaxed inside their heart muscle. He's consistently topped the charts as the 'most liked' deity for the past millennium. Let's find out what he's been up to!

"Soooo... this is all sort of a shock. I was tricked into this big 'joke' that ended with me being murdered. It isn't really all that funny now, but at least I look FABULOUS for 2040 years old!

"In the spirit of confessing I need to let everyone know that I've never heard any of your prayers. I also don't have any magic powers, never walked on water, and I was just really drunk that day when I misplaced my water and thought I made wine. Look at my killer body though!"

Yeah, and also I think Mohammad is liked more than me. Don't get me wrong - women are property all the way, but Mohammad would kill a bitch for showing her eye color. Just a little too intense for me.

You think you have blue balls? He hasn't busted a nut in thousands of years!

Haha, yeah. I've been fortunate. I mean, I'm technically a zombie, but it's like... what am I to do? Just sit around and get moldy?

So, Jesus. You look great. TIts for days and I know that isn't just your big hand in your pants!

What do you mean? You're not here for some divine revealing from your dad or something?

Oh no! Not at all. We don't talk anymore actually. I was just tired of being locked up so I said 'fuck you dad!' and left. He's never really there so it's whatever. I just decided it's time for me to actually like MY life for once, you know. For me and only me!

I've been doing some modeling. A few 'mature' concepts. I think I look great. I just hope I don't let everyone down. I hear people have made me into this ridiculous idea that's nothing like the real me.

I am a MAN and I have a BODY and a PENIS. I am NOT ashamed of what my dad gave me, and no one else should be either. You know, back in the day everyone hooked up with everyone. Except Paul. He was so jealous of my popularity. He was also jealous that I wasn't short, gimpy, and ugly like him. People should really pay attention to things they read and choose to believe without knowing the whole story!

Everyone wants me to come inside them so I just said

"You know what, FUCK IT. Let's breed 'em all!

Some of my early stuff. I was so thin! GROSS!

I tried to become the next Karl Lagerfeld

Out and Proud Jesus.

One guy asked if he could fuck my the hole where the spear was thrust into me. At first I thought it was weird, but I let him touch it, lick it, and then breed it. Why not? YOLO. Well, not me, but you all. You know.

The photographer wanted something that really evoked the feeling of just literally BLOOD so he refused to give us any lube at all for the entire day. It was definitely better than camel lard!